A Pet Fit For An Assassin
by Surreptitious Chi X
Summary: One-shot. Set during post SotS Heliogabalus short story time period. Co-written with Ariel D. Jarlaxle picks up a kitten at a cut-rate price. He and Entreri soon find out there was a reason their new pet came so cheap, and it has to do with magic, a misguided wizard, and a series of unusual deaths around the city.


Author's Note: I do not own this intellectual property. This story is co-written with Ariel D.

* * *

 **A Pet Fit For An Assassin**

* * *

Jarlaxle had, up to this point, attempted to adopt a sahaugin (no), a kobold (no), and a dire coyote (no). The 'no's belonged to Artemis. "If you are going to attempt to bring a pet into this household, why can't it be something normal?" the assassin demanded.

So Jarlaxle brought home a brown and black striped kitten the next day. "This is normal," he said brightly. "Several people have told me so."

Artemis sighed. "Yes. Cats are normal. Perfectly normal." He liked cats well enough. "Fine." He peered at the kitten. It even looked normal. A first, for something Jarlaxle picked out. "Anything's better than a dire coyote."

"Anything?" Jarlaxle asked, eyes twinkling.

The kitten mewed and walked over to rub itself on Artemis' leg, tail shaking and curling.

"Never mind," Jarlaxle said hastily, wishing for his partner and the kitten to bond and therefore not wanting the assassin to become too annoyed. "How would you like to assist me in naming our new creature?"

Artemis peered down at the kitten, scooped it up, and petted its head. Pasha Basadoni had had a large collection of cats, so he was used to them. "Killer. Slayer. Fang." He wasn't being at all serious, but he said it deadpan enough.

Jarlaxle winced. "Any one of those is lovely."

"We could also name her—" Artemis stopped to check. "Yes. Her. We could name her Jar Head. Or Axle. Humans tend to go for silly names, though, like Socks. This cat doesn't have sock feet, though."

"This infant cat has stripes," Jarlaxle ventured, trying to understand the human way of things. "Is this perhaps what she should be named? Stripes?"

"Logical assumption," Artemis admitted. "But I've never heard of anyone doing that. Then again, we're not normal people. We could name her Stripes." The kitten was purring loudly by now. "It's better than something like Candy or Pixie or PawPaw." Which were all real names of cats he'd met over the years.

"Papa?" Jarlaxle repeated, puzzled. "A female cat named Papa? That is strange. We could call her Matron, and she would grow into it, but I suppose that is a little grandiose."

Artemis made a pawing motion with his hand. "Paw, as in foot. PawPaw." He shrugged. "Don't curse the kitten with the name Matron. I'll take Slayer over that one." He paused. "Pasha Basadoni's favorite cat was named Amala. So something more . . . lyrical . . . might work."

"Serenade?" Jarlaxle asked. "Piwafwi? Malaria?"

"Malaria?" Artemis echoed. "Alright. That's it. I vote for Jar Head." He peered at the kitten. The kitten couldn't seem to care less. She was half asleep by now.

"Jar Head it is," Jarlaxle said cheerfully. "That is the kind of name that makes its own music."

Artemis had no idea what that meant. But now they owned a kitten named Jar Head.

Jar Head, as it turned out, liked normal kitten things, like shiny lights reflected off of Artemis' dagger's blade, loose strings, and birds. For the first three days, everything was normal. Perfectly normal. And they had no more mice trying to get into their flat.

And then came day four.

Artemis was sorting the contents of his pockets when he heard from the kitchen area: "Aaaiiiiie!"

Which was Jarlaxle, because it was not a cat noise.

Having never heard Jarlaxle make such a noise—nor anything close to it—Artemis bolted into the bedroom to see what was happening. With dagger drawn, of course.

Jar Head was hanging off the back of Jarlaxle's cape, inches from the floor, and there were gaping slashes down Jarlaxle's cape in a suggestive pattern. Sparks popped and flew from Jarlaxle's damaged cape. Jarlaxle was shielding himself by half-curling into a ball and pulling down his hat. "Artemis, help me! I'm being attacked!"

"Oh, that's typical for a cat," Artemis said. "Except for the sparks, which I can't figure. Is there a fire enchantment on your cape?" Artemis scooped up Jar Head and held her, wondering what the big deal was. "Also, can you make that noise again? That was classic."

Jarlaxle twisted around to face them. "No one should be able to penetrate my cape! It is enchanted silk. Dragons aren't supposed to be able to claw through it. How can a cat? I have not been properly warned." He took off his cape and shook it at them.

"Dragons?" Artemis echoed. "Dragons aren't supposed to be able to claw through it?" He stared at the kitten. "Hot damn, Jar-Jar! We should have named you Steel Claws. Or something."

The kitten just blinked at him innocently.

"It's not funny," Jarlaxle protested. "This is property destruction! How am I supposed to repair this? Even if Kimmuriel could, it would take weeks."

"Kimmuriel can fix anything." Artemis waved it off. "He even remade my gauntlet." He held up the kitten. "What other powers do you have? Glowing pink? Walking through walls?"

Artemis found he shouldn't have asked.

After supper, he stepped into the bedroom—the kitten's favorite room—and found her floating in a bubble. She was halfway to the ceiling, upside down, and just blinking, innocently still.

"Jarlaxle!"

Jarlaxle ran into the room. "What's she destroyed now? Surely you see my point now that you have –"

He stopped and looked up. "We should have named her Bubbles."

As if in reply, Jar Head floated through the room. More bubbles emerged from the first one, and she floated between them, doing somersaults through the air.

Artemis smirked at Jarlaxle. "Leave it to you to find the one cat that's _not_ normal."

"Are you saying cats can't do that?" Jarlaxle asked.

"No. Cats cannot do that." Artemis sighed. "Cats can't fly at all. And cats can't make bubbles."

Two more bubbles emerged around Jar Head.

"Which makes this cat supremely odd."

"At least if she contains herself in bubbles then she cannot claw any more expensive capes," Jarlaxle said, having not forgotten the previous incident. Nor did he intend to for a very long time.

All the bubbles popped, and Jar Head landed on her feet. She prissed her way out of the room, leaving glowing blue paw prints behind.

"Also not possible," Artemis said, staring down at the floor.

Jarlaxle rubbed his chin. "Hmm. I admit to being disgruntled at the thought of cleaning this up. Much less if she intends to do this every day."

"What even is it?" Artemis leaned to inspect, but the glow faded. "Convenient."

Behind them came a popping sound, and Artemis turned, expecting to find more bubbles. Instead, he found two Jar Heads. They peered at each other and then moved in mirror precision to each other, sitting up on their hindlegs and raising a paw to "box."

Artemis resumed the staring. "Our cat just cloned itself."

Jarlaxle held his chin in the palm of his hand. "Now we have a kitten for each of us. Assuming the clone doesn't re-merge with its host. If this is irreversible, it does explain some things."

"Like?" Artemis prompted, not sure what Jarlaxle had in mind with that statement.

"The wizard I bought her from had a whole crate of kittens," Jarlaxle said. "I had been assured by our baker friend that this was ordinary, and such groupings are called litters, but there were a great many. All as adorable as this one." He rubbed his chin and squinted. "Identical, in fact."

"Wizard?" was Artemis' only reply.

"Yes, a very nice man, and quite reasonable," Jarlaxle said. "Although if he obtained most of the kittens for free because of their natural multiplication abilities, he could afford to be generous. Still, it is admirable that he did not get greedy."

The kittens, meanwhile, had been leaving circles of glowing blue paw prints around Artemis, inspecting him and rubbing his legs in typical friendly fashion. They mewed in unison and propped their paws up on him.

"I believe our kittens are hungry," Jarlaxle said.

"Oh, boy," Artemis couldn't help sighing. "I hope they stop at two." He handed over some meat scraps to the kittens and watched them devour them in a matter of seconds. "Wizard?" he said again. "So we have magical kittens. Or wizard kittens." He paused. "Drizzt gets a magical panther. I get a tiny kitten."

"Sour?" Jarlaxle asked with a smile, teasing. "Who knows? Poor Jar Head can't be evaluated as she is right now. She is but a baby. Er. Babies. Do we call the second one Jar Head? Or do we call her something else?"

Artemis looked between them. They were absolutely identical. "We'll have to put collars on them to tell them apart. Then we can have Jar Head and Jar Jar." Which had been meant as a nickname for the first kitten, but now it would have to serve as a real name.

Jarlaxle pulled collars out of his hat, because of course he would. One was red leather and the other purple. "I had meant to choose between the two after trying both, but now that we have two kittens there is no need."

He fixed the collars around the necks of the strangely compliant kittens and released them. "There. The purple collar is Jar Jar, and the red is Jar Head."

Four days later there was a need for a green collar, as Jar Jar went and did the exact same thing as Jar Head. This new kitten was dubbed Heddy, for lack of a better idea.

"Jarrrrlaaaaxle," Artemis sighed as he considered the third kitten. "Soon we will have to give away kittens. Probably every week or so." He briefly imagined the flat stacked from floor to ceiling with meowing kittens. "At least."

"Give them away? Why not start a small business?" Jarlaxle asked. "We shall be reasonable, of course."

"Yes," Artemis drawled. "We'll be upfront about the magical powers . . . with the exception of the duplication part. So far we have 'sparking claws of steel,' 'bubbles' and 'blue paw prints.'" He paused. "My personal favorite being the levitation inside the bubbles. Complete with somersaults."

"We should at least say that your kitten may subdivide every four days," Jarlaxle said. "I am tired of the sneaking, lying, manipulating drow reputation. I aim to be the first honest drow business-elf in the Surface world."

This was evidently a recent decision, for Artemis had never heard this before.

Artemis stared. "Um. Right." He glanced at the three kittens. "Well, Jar Head, Jar Jar, and Heddy, what do you think?"

They all meowed in unison.

Artemis shrugged.

And so began the business of A & J Remarkable Kittens.

Which was all going well until a man in a blue, star-spangled robe burst into their flat about four weeks later, demanding, out of breath, "Are you selling my kittens?"

Jarlaxle blinked, and recognized the thin, not-quite-middle-aged man. "My kittens. You sold me a kitten, affectionately referred to in this household as Jar Head, and when she multiplied, we hardly had any choice but to think of some way to turn the situation to our advantage instead of being eaten out of house and home. If you object to your intellectual property being sold, you should not have sold it in the first place. If Jar Head is mine and these kittens originate from her, then they are also mine, to do with as I please."

The wizard hung his head. "Please don't. I've found out recently that these kittens are extremely dangerous."

"In what way?" Jarlaxle asked.

"Dangerous?" Artemis asked, interested in this conversation for the first time. "Do please share."

"Is it the claws?" Jarlaxle asked.

"No, it's not the claws," the wizard said.

Jarlaxle shrugged. "All right. So what is it?"

"People have been found dead all around Heliogabalus, encased in giant floating soap bubbles," the wizard said. "You know what this means."

"People have been extremely careless of late and suffocated themselves inside of bubbles?" Jarlaxle asked.

The wizard looked at him pleadingly. "No, you know what this means. Who or what else is using soap bubbles as a manner of conveyance? What other source could there be?"

"I refuse to believe that Jar Head is sneaking out at night to murder people," Jarlaxle said. "Not sweet little Jar Head."

Artemis nodded to himself. "I have the best cat—cats—ever. Secret Soap Bubble Assassin. Nightly Feline Terror. That's our Jar Head. And Jar Jar. And Heddy."

Jarlaxle shot Artemis a reproachful glance.

The wizard took a step further towards them. "Please! You have to stop selling the Jar Heads!"

Artemis stopped momentarily to consider the oddity of the exclamation if out of context. Then he crossed his arms. "If the Jar Heads are so dangerous, why are Jarlaxle and I still alive?"

The wizard drew back. "Um, well…"

Jarlaxle raised an eyebrow. "Are there any specific targets that end up in these soap bubbles?"

The wizard paled and turned clammy looking.

"I can find out," Jarlaxle said. "If what you say is true, the news is all over the city for the picking."

The wizard glanced away. "N-No…Well…"

"Cat haters?" Artemis guessed. "People who won't share fish? People who horde meat of all kinds? People with no mice or rats in their houses?"

Jarlaxle grinned and sized up the uncomfortable wizard. "Or perhaps the kitten rampage is targeting weedy, fair-skinned humans with thinning brown hair."

The wizard let out a low moan of fear and wrung his hands.

"Kitten rampage," Artemis echoed, considering it. "With the original Jar Head in the lead. Much more interesting than orcs. Much less ugly, too."

"The question is, should we stop them?" Jarlaxle asked. He made a show of tilting his head and rubbing his chin.

"You have to!" the wizard blurted.

Jarlaxle wagged an index finger, making the ruby ring on it glint. "Ah-ah-ah. We don't have to do anything. You are completely at our mercy. I take it if you could do anything yourself, you already would have instead of asking a confirmed assassin and a drow to intercede on your behalf. Not the most trusting of either, people are."

Artemis scooped up Jar Head The Original. "Well, Jar Head. The wizard wants our help. He thinks you're a Bubble Assassin. What do you think?"

Jar Head held up one paw and made a small, innocent bubble. It floated harmlessly away.

"As I said, our Jar Head is no fiend," Jarlaxle said.

"Well, she'll hardly do it when you're around!" the wizard retorted. "She wants you to trust her."

"Now you're ascribing two-legged intelligence to my four-legged cuddler," Jarlaxle said. He crossed his arms. "I think you'd better leave. Before I become offended. Poor Jar Head."

Jar Head made four small bubbles under each paw and floated up out of Artemis' grasp.

"Cat on spheres," Artemis noted.

Jar Head flew around the room in a lazy arc, her tail curled at the tip.

"It's so cute it makes me ill," Artemis said. "Far too cute for an assassin." He sighed. "All right. Cough up the full truth or be gone."

The wizard's eyes darted around. "I didn't do anything wrong!"

"You probably did something quite unspeakable, and now Jar Head wants revenge," Jarlaxle said. "Alternately, the true problem is Mommy Jar Head, whatever beast birthed the kittens. That creature, larger and meaner and older, presumably a creature that remembers you quite well, is on a rampage of revenge for whatever you did to her, and thus, her kittens."

The wizard danced in place with a little panicked laugh. "No! I can't die like this!"

"I think we've at last arrived upon the truth," Jarlaxle said. Jar Head floated by, and he tickled her head with one finger. She drifted off purring. "Well? What say you?"

The wizard dropped to his knees. "Please help me. I don't know how to control her."

"For the sake of not destroying the reputation of all my innocent Jar Heads, I shall help you," Jarlaxle said.

The wizard hugged Jarlaxle's legs. "Thank you!"

"But it's going to cost you."

The wizard looked up at him. "What?"

"You didn't think I would do it for free, did you?" Jarlaxle asked. "I have to punish you somehow."

The wizard's lower lip trembled.

"Now, now," Jarlaxle scolded. "No whimpering. I'll make sure it's something you can afford. After all, you won't die. Unless Mommy Jar Head gets to you before I get to her. Then you will die. Inside a soap bubble."

"Mommy Jar Head," Artemis echoed. "Hm. Is it a normal cat? Or is it some nine-tailed cat beast straight from the nine hells? Maybe the size of a horse? Enormous fangs?" He paused and raised an eyebrow. "Or just lots and lots of bubbles?"

Jar Jar sprouted four bubbles and joined her sister.

Heddy, not to be left out, did the same.

Three kittens floated around the room on their bubble spheres.

"She's the most frightening creature I ever invented," the wizard whimpered.

"I thought I told you no whimpering," Jarlaxle said.

The wizard whimpered wordlessly.

Jarlaxle sighed. "Up. Up. I'm tired of you clinging to my legs."

The wizard rose and rubbed his eyes with a sniffle. "I haven't slept a wink since this happened."

"A wink must be a specific interval of time I am not familiar with," Jarlaxle said to Artemis.

"Translation: He's hyperbolically claiming to have not slept at all." Artemis gathered his weapons. "All right. Let's go meet the monster you created. Seriously? Don't create a monster and then become horrified when it does monstrous things. You _made_ it for the specific purpose of doing monster business. So it does monster business."

Artemis swept out of the room. The kittens stayed behind to do somersaults on their little spheres.

Jarlaxle nodded and followed his partner.

The wizard followed pathetically.

"Where shall we likely find this Monster Mama?" Jarlaxle asked once they were outside stalking down the street.

Or rather, Artemis was stalking, Jarlaxle was strolling, and the wizard was trudging.

"I don't know," the wizard complained. "If I could find her and corral her I would have done that already."

"We'll use you as bait," Artemis said. "Surely when she sees you out walking around, she'll come for you. Also, Jarlaxle and I smell like her kittens. That might attract her, too."

Jarlaxle grinned. "Excellent ideas as always, Artemis."

The wizard blubbered. "Please don't."

Jarlaxle turned around and tied the wizard up with golden rope from a belt pouch, then stuffed a red bandanna in the wizard's mouth, which he took from his hat. "Oh, don't roll your eyes like that. The bandanna's clean." He hefted the wizard over his shoulder and carried on after Artemis.

"Come on, Mama Kitty," Artemis said, deadpan. "We have your tasty wizard to bubblify." He glanced around. He could feel the presence of a stalker, but he couldn't see the cat yet. "What did you name her? Bubbles by any chance?"

"Nngh?" The wizard struggled.

"Artemis, don't talk to him, it makes him squirm," Jarlaxle said.

"Nr nnm's Brr-rr-crp," the wizard said.

"Brr-Rr-Crp!" Artemis called. He glanced at the wizard. "Brr-Rr-Crp? Buttercup? Or Brain Ripping Creature? Because apparently the latter would have been closer. Let's try Bubble Rip Cat."

In the middle of Artemis' sarcastic commentary, a perfectly normal cat stepped into the street in front of them. She looked exactly like her kittens, just adult-sized.

"Greetings, Brr-Rr-Crp," Artemis said. He gestured toward the wizard. "Apparently you've been after this guy, but you keep bubblifying the wrong man."

"Meow," said the cat.

Artemis had no idea if she were sentient, and he didn't really care. He just kept up the act. "I see. Well, I'm an assassin, so I can't say much on the value of life. But I can say you'll want your real target."

"Meow," said the cat.

"Mrr! Rr!" The wizard kicked and squirmed and screamed through the bandanna, ripping himself out of Jarlaxle's grasp and rolling onto the cobblestones. He bounced and rolled several times.

Jarlaxle drew his ice wand and his fire wand. "Idiot. Fine, be that way."

The cat narrowed her eyes at the wizard. Then, suddenly, she transformed, growing into the size of a horse. Huge fangs protruded from her mouth. Her tail was covered in a wide variety of blades, all different lengths and shapes.

"Badass," Artemis said, taking it all in. "Will the Jar Heads also gain this ability?"

Jarlaxle fired his wands simultaneously.

Buttercup's fur bristled and absorbed the spells. Blue energy crackled and leapt from fur tip to fur tip. With a yowl, she discharged that energy behind her. It flew a hole in the nearest wall.

"So that's why you can't do anything to fight her," Jarlaxle commented to the terrified wizard rolling around on the street and weeping.

The drow mercenary holstered his wands and drew his rapiers.

"I like her," Artemis said. "Let her have the wizard. Then we'll keep her."

Buttercup eyed the wizard with a hiss and squatted down. She urinated on the ground, and it sizzled like acid.

"I like her even better now." Artemis drew his weapons just in case. "Hey, wizard person. Your cat wants to sizzle you with acid piss."

"Nnnnnn!" the wizard wailed.

Jarlaxle stayed back. "Truly? You wish to keep her, Artemis? It's all up to you."

"Nnnnn, ghhhh, nnn, pleeeeethe," the wizard wailed.

Jarlaxle ignored him.

A monster bubble formed under the cat's feet, hoisting her four feet off the ground. She stared down at the wizard with eyes that suddenly swirled.

"I don't know what that means," Artemis said, "and I don't know how you did it. In fact, I don't want to know."

The wizard was still rolling around and not looking, so the cat stopped the weird eye effect.

She hiked up her razor tail and snapped a warning dagger at the wizard. It grazed his cheek. As soon as it landed, it vanished and reappeared in her tail.

"Badass," Artemis said again.

"I want my rope and bandanna back," Jarlaxle said. He untied the wizard and removed the gag.

The wizard coughed and leapt to his feet, rubbing his wrists. "You lying, cheating, manipulative drow!"

Jarlaxle sighed. "I'll have to work on that reputation some other time."

The wizard screamed as he was pierced with half a dozen blades shot off from his cat's tail. He fell to the ground motionless.

Jarlaxle inspected himself, and the corpse of the wizard. "Nice aim," he said to the cat.

The cat enveloped the wizard in the bubble and let him float away.

Artemis raised a finger. "Well done. Now, no more killing. Your target has been eliminated."

The cat shrank back down into a normal cat and meowed.

Artemis sheathed his weapons and scooped her up. "Now I have something much more awesome than a 600 pound panther that is occasionally 300 pounds instead." He scratched her ears.

Buttercup purred.

"I think we should rename you Bubbles. Or Lethal Bubbles. Or Razor Tail. That would be good. Your kitten is named Jar Head. Razor Tail and Jar Head."

The cat didn't seem to care one way or another.

"Razor Tail is perfect," Jarlaxle said.

Two months later, all of their now adult-sized kittens had little razor blades sticking up out of their tails.


End file.
